The Biscuit Barrel

Silliness, or a deep metaphor for modern angst?

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Somewhere out there

I’m sipping from a mug of tea. It’s my favorite, Lapsang Souchong. Nothing has ever come close to the effect it’s aroma and smell have on me. They nourish  ideas of comfort and invite detachment from the dark corners of the world to which my mind often wonders. The dark corners are the places my subconscious bids me to travel while my mind  pulls me apart from them and proposes I never leave the comfort of my chair. Can uncomfortable armrests ever be the worst of my problems? I don’t think so. A life where uncomfortable armrests are a real issue isn’t exactly a life. Fuck those armrests.

I’m restless these days. It has something to do with recent events in my life. I’ve found passion again. I feel it in my blood. How could something so small have such a wide ranging effect?

It’s been years…

I have returned to my dire need of adventure. The Capa calls to me. So does La Vie Velominatus. And so does art, if you can call what I do art. I have started to because many people have called it that too, and I’ve been informed that it’s OK to name yourself that when it’s common knowledge that art is what you do and people treat it as such. Mind you, clients probably never will. But people, the good, bad and ugly. I had forgotten how the lack of comfort feels. I like it. The chair nags at my brain and i find myself holding a camera just because. The sound of the shutter is as romantic as it always was and I need to explore all the dark places of the world and bring them under the hard, judging light of my flashing judgement. I was never really a journalist. I always care, I always get involved and I always express a point of view. I’ve never really believed in Truth, just in points of view. I guess studying journalism taught me that one.

One day i may have the courage to photograph parts of my own life. My cravings and my needs. My loves and my hates. I’ve always avoided that. I never photograph love, and I rarely photograph friends. What could be harder than to lose  those and still have your stills ready to watch and be watched. Memories change. Negatives don’t. They sometimes age with you but that seldom is enough. I fear this may be my biggest failure. Some day the adventure will take me to my front door. But once there what will i do?

There are many times I’ve though I should stop caring. About my subjects, about life, etc. I was sometimes close to thinking that’s what should be done because it prevents pain. Man, those times were stupid. There’s nothing better in this world than caring, even if it’s the stupidest thing you could do (it always is). Everything ends, and it mostly ends horribly but that’s the charm. One must care. Otherwise where’s the adventure?

Written by CyberFaust

ianuarie 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm

The Path of My Life

with 4 comments

amza-gabriel-6257What the fuck is wrong with me? ma intreb cateodata, de obicei foarte des. M-am intrebat asta si acu vreo 50 de secunde asa ca am inceput sa scriu despre asta aici. Am zis sa merg la jurnalism din idealism ca nah, doar sunt tanar. Asa ca am ajuns la jurnalism, sunt in anul 2. Vreau sa schimb lumea, inspre bine desigur, si vreau sa fac asta facand poze. Evident nu ma astept sa cure cancer sau sa solve world hunger sau sa opresc un razboi dar chestiile astea nu le paote face decat umanitatea. Umanitatea este o chestie in care cred, un ideal de-al meu. O cred posibila de atata de multe lucruri, mai ales bune dar vad lucrurile oribile pe care le poate face umanitatea si indivizii din care e format. Ma uimeste ca specia noastra este capabila de asa extreme de comportament. De iubire si de ura incredibile. Nu stiu ce sa cred, pot spera doar ca iubirea si partea pozitiva a naturii umane ca vastiga odata si odata, si daca reusesc sa fac pzoe are sa ajute cu atata mai bine. Pentru asta io ma gandesc ca trebuie sa atentionam oamenii despre partea ei urata. Tocmai am vazut o poza despre unul din multele conflicte din africa. Era un om batut si caruia ia fost scoasa pielea de pe cap. Ca si la scalpare daor ca complet, si la fata. Nu imi pot imagina atata soferinta si ura cat sa faca oamenii asa ceva. Io nu cred ca as fii capabil de asa ceva, indiferent cat de mult urasc un individ sau grup etnic sau societate, etc. Cazuri speciale ca exceptie dar in general nu. Oricum, cred ca chestiile astea ar trebui fotografiate ca sa atentionezi oamenii despre nebunia naturii umane ca paote astfel previi chestii de acelasi fel. Izbugniri de ura incredibile care ne caracterizeaza istoria din negura timpurilor pana azi. Oi fi io idealist dar cred ca umanitatea se poate schimba. De aia incerc sa fac poze, ca poate misc si io ceva in ea, paote o persoana, paote mai multe, poate chair doar in mine insumi (desi sunt foarte rare pozele mele care sa imi placa destul cat sa ma miste, inca nu sa intamplat).

amza-gabriel-000018-3The other part of the path of my life revolves around relatiile interumane la care nu ma pricep foarte tare. I was never good with people si o persoana destul de retrasa. Destul de mult inteneg asta si cateodata sunt tare nesimtit si tare ciudat. Cred ca imi lipsesc niste bucati de empatie pe undeva care nu ma fac constient de unele greseli crase ale conventiilor sociale si ale unor chestii care pur si simplu nu se fac altor oameni. De obicei chestiile astea is tare mici dar they stack. Sunt tare surprins ca i still have friends. Probabil is cei mai rabdatori oameni de pe glob ca sa ma tolereze o perioada lunga de timp. Cu toate greselile care le fac si toate glumele care sometimes is just mean ad mean spirited. Desigur, de obicei imi dau seama foarte tarziu de chestia asta, de obicei dupa ce fac gluma in cauza. Cand le prind inainte sa le spun nu le numar deoarece se intampla de multe ori su foarte des. De obicei de mai multe ori pe zii. Dar cand se intampla sa nu le prind la timp sunt niste chestii pe care le resimt o perioada considerabila de timp deoarece un lucru care nu imi lipseste este tendinta de autoflagelare (emotiva) pentru propriile tampenii.

Desigur, incerc sa invat si io sa nu mai fiu negativist, sa nu mai fac glume naspa si sa fiu mai uman, probabil in timp o sa se lege ceva de mine dar e un proces indelungat si mai am foarte mult de lucru………..i guess that’s the dark part of my personality pe care nu o voi vedea vreodata in poze pentru ca sometimes e foarte greu sa te uiti in oglinda. La propriile defecte. Am multe de invatat despre natura umana, despre spiritul uman si despre existenta. Despre societate si despre socialitate. Despre interactie sociala si despre multe alte chestii care imi sunt foarte straine, Dar cred ca pana la urma asta e scopul fiecaruia in viata. Evidenta fericire personala si poate, daca e mai „selfless” fericirea altor oameni, a persoanelor apropiate si poate chiar a strainilor daca e chair ul Llama sau o reincarnare a lui Budha. Io is om. Not a very good one mind you dar incerc sa rezolv aia. Mi se pare destul de hilar ca incerc sa alterez ceva la nivel planetar cand abia reusesc sa fac ceva legat de propriile-mi neajunsuri dar i guess that’s life. Imi aduce aminte de „the fountain” un film pe care il detest. Si atat.

Thank you.