The Biscuit Barrel

Silliness, or a deep metaphor for modern angst?


with 2 comments

Cheese eating surrender monkeys history:

– Gallic Wars – Lost.

– Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; „France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

– Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

– Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.

– War of Revolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots.

– The Dutch War – Tied

– War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

– War of the Spanish Succession – Lost.

– American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as „de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; „France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

– French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

– The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

– The Franco-Prussian War – Lost.

– World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britan and the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her „Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

– World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

– War in Indochina (Vietnam) – Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

– Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; „We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

Da, stiu, i have issues, dar e foarte faorte amuzant.
Thank you for this glorious stuff.

Written by CyberFaust

ianuarie 18, 2008 la 12:46 am

2 răspunsuri

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  1. aaa duuuude, asta mi l-am pus la status sa intre lumea sa-l vada!! :)) awsome!

    a bored plank

    ianuarie 18, 2008 at 10:05 pm

  2. omg… genial…de ce nu am scris eu asta…damn…te-am bagat in blogroll…tovarase…heh, dead funny!


    ianuarie 24, 2008 at 1:04 pm

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