Cheese eating surrender monkeys history:
– Gallic Wars – Lost.
– Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; „France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.
– Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
– Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
– War of Revolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots.
– The Dutch War – Tied
– War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
– War of the Spanish Succession – Lost.
– American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as „de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; „France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
– French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
– The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
– The Franco-Prussian War – Lost.
– World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britan and the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her „Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
– World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
– War in Indochina (Vietnam) – Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
– Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; „We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
Da, stiu, i have issues, dar e foarte faorte amuzant.
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